Yesterday I went to bed before 10:00 PM as scheduled. The hardness of the bed woke me up every 20-30 minutes. My watch rang at five o’clock. I woke up, but I still slept a little with a cry… I fell asleep.
The bell rang. Or rather, its more urgent end. I quickly jumped into my white robe and within 1 minute I was downstairs in the main hall. I was given a really tiny rice to offer. It was so small that it was really difficult to divide it into four parts with a sleepy head.
Of course, there were 5 monks today. So, when – at the last moment – I noticed that there was a problem, I had to divide the last pile into two parts. So I offered 5 grains of rice to the last two monks.
Walking meditation
Today it turned out that I was the first civilian in the long line of 150 people after the two monks. The walk today was a completely different experience than yesterday because of this. I was able to concentrate differently, with two more experienced feet walking ahead of me.
45 minutes is a very long time. Concentration is interrupted many times during the process.
My realization today was not to take what I am thinking too seriously. Not to transform what I feel, what comes and goes in my head, into thoughts.
The best thing right now is if nothing happens.
Expectations
I arrived here without expectations anyway. Of course I couldn’t rule out my ideas. And I calmly confronted myself with the fact that almost nothing was in line with my ideas. Of course, that’s not a problem at all.
I thought that if I really came here without expectations, they would have hung one or two on my neck right away.
On the first day, right when I was taking the tour, the lady told me where the buffet was. I told her that while I was here, I didn’t want to eat anything other than what was given to me. (I’ve been at the buffet every night since the 3rd or 4th night, I’ll write about that later…) Maybe that would be enough, she said.
I don’t think that was her intention, but she could have planted doubt in my mind. Will two meals be enough? What if I get hungry in the evening?
In any case, I recognized the first thought attack. Uncertainty.
The second wave came right away. I say it again, I’m sure the lady didn’t mean it badly.
But continuing with the food, I think she also wanted to validate that eating 2 meals a day would be enough, because she said that my body would slow down around the 5th day.
With that, another attack came. I didn’t ask for it, but I was given an expectation. Which if I were sensitive to, or to put it another way: which if I accepted, I could easily be disappointed.
Let’s see!
A woman who seemed experienced (I actually have no idea who she is or how long she’s been here, all I know is that she accepted me) said that my body would slow down on the 5th day.
Not a conditional, not a question, not on the fourth and not on the sixth.
But what if my body is already slow? Or will it only slow down on the ninth day? Or never. What if it speeds up?
I didn’t write all this against the lady. She said what she wanted to say as an introduction. This part was about my realization of how much expectations make my life difficult.
Whether they come from outside or I give them to myself.
My sweet diary!
I’m through the first half of my second full day.
Today I’ve meditated three times, eaten twice, and written down my thoughts about an important realization for me.
This day has been very beautiful so far, and there’s still half of it left.
If I have anything else to write about today, I’ll do it in the next post.
Postscript:
Of course there was something to write about!
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Short introduction