“He knew his life would change forever…”
I’m the kind of person who needs to be kicked in the stomach to move forward. I see an interesting picture of myself in this regard, because if someone gets kicked in the stomach, they should fall on their butt, not march forward. But hey, that’s how it is.
In the article “The Decision,” I also mentioned my thought that “My path was also forged in a cataclysm. I believe, because I have learned and experienced, that development and progress are most often the result of cataclysms.”
I have often shared with others over the past few months that I feel strong. I have received feedback on my courage and determination, for which I am very grateful, but I now regularly add that I have paid the price for being who I am.
By strong, I mean stronger than I have ever been, and I have felt determined and strong many times before. In the past few months, I have felt like I am moving forward in my life on a different track than I have before. My speed is constant, except for those great days when I feel like I have jumped on a fast train for a while and am moving at an even more dizzying speed. Only forward.
I will become a butterfly
“I am a flower. Written by Humerus Troppauer.” This quote from Jenő Rejtő came to mind as I thought about the butterfly and myself. And I quickly add that I am writing these lines with all my sanity.
In the past few weeks, I’ve thought for the first time that my life is like a chrysalis waiting to become a butterfly. It’s not about the transformation from ugly to beautiful. The chrysalis itself is a beautiful creature. The emphasis in my example is on the joy of transformation. And it definitely comes down to the fact that I have no reason to deny my life so far, and denial has not even occurred to me on a thought level.
I feel like my life has been spent in the form of a puppet up until now. Now doors are opening for me where two worlds meet. I expect that on the path I am currently on, I will suddenly experience that I already have wings and can fly.
The phoenix analogy also came to mind. I then dismissed it. The peculiarity of the phoenix is that it rises from its own ashes. But I don’t feel like I have died at all. Based on the example of the kick in the stomach, I may have sat on my backside, but I have by no means reached a point where I have to deny my life so far, burn it to ashes to make room for the new. I will continue to be who I was until now, but I feel that I am starting to see the world with different eyes. I am starting to read myself in it…
The Decisions
And all I needed to do was make one decision.
I was talking to one of my younger brothers over the weekend. I summarized my memories of my decisions for him. I had to come to the conclusion that making a decision is not an easy thing. Not for me, and I think not for others either. I have made countless decisions in my life, but the main issues in my life were usually not decided by me. Or someone else made the right move for me.
It sounds strange even to me. The truth is that some of the really big events, by their very nature, could not be decided alone. My marriage and having children, as the big issues of life, are realized based on a playful attitude that does not make sense. But for example, I just nodded to the choice of the settlement of the family home, I did not base the decision on myself. I really did not have anything against it, but I do not know what would have happened if I had said no. There was no reason to oppose this decision, I was probably in a “it will be fine” state even then.
However, there were decisions that were important and I didn’t decide on my own. For example, in the area of my relationships. In my serious relationships, I never made the decision. In my workplaces, I made the decision, but I always went to the wall. I decided that enough was enough when it really was enough a long time ago.
The point is that I see my own responsibility in this issue as well. The decision that has determined my current path is perhaps the first in my life where I made the decision alone, I didn’t put anything in front of myself and I didn’t stand at the wall to have to step in the penultimate moments.
I live
Maybe that’s why the phoenix analogy is not good. After all, I didn’t have to die in order to set off on an unknown path of my own free will.
That’s why I ended up staying with the butterfly. During the transformation, everything that was already in it remains, it simply continues to exist in a different form. He knew that his life would change forever…
Today’s tale
While writing this entry, the fourth session of the Writing and Self-Knowledge course took place. One of our tasks was to write a tale within the given framework. The frameworks were available in the lists of protagonist, location, helper, enemy, and magic tool. If we couldn’t choose from the lists, we could also use our own thoughts. The only specific instruction was that “The tale should be about our current situation.”
In the language of symbols, answers come differently, I’ve experienced this several times. However, since I feel that I am quite aware of my current situation, it was not difficult for me to select from the given elements and write a story that was in tune with my current state.
What made the task really interesting for me was that after writing the story, we talked and were given a series of questions. It is much more exciting to answer the questions after the story is already ready. I still felt a little like I knew the questions in advance. And I saw the reason for this in the fact that I feel that I am in a good place in my life now and that I can really see clearly.
The questions were:
- Why is he the protagonist?
- Does he have a purpose, or is he just drifting?
- Did he choose a direction?
- Is he in the right place where he is? Does he miss it? What draws him to the location?
- What binds the protagonist? Or his decisions?
- What are the enemies? Why is this symbol? What is his role?
- Who or what can help? Is the helper outside or inside?
The untitled tale became this:
The shepherd boy finally stood in the middle of the three crossroads. He stood on the stony road of the city of “Past”, located far to the south. There he defeated the seven-headed dragon, and from there he set off on a long trial for the hand of a beautiful princess named “Myself”. The shepherd boy thought hard while munching on his ash-baked scone, where he would go next. Head east to the land of “Keep it as it is” with the comfort of familiarity, or to the land of “New Life” full of secrets, headed north. His faithful helper, the dwarf, already knew the answer to the question of where to go, and with that the dwarf grew into a giant in that instant.
The shepherd boy felt the energies of the ash-baked scone within him and after seven hours, seven minutes, seven seconds of thought, he turned north. He took out the seven-mile boots from his bag, which were always there, but he had never put them on. He tried them on and laughed with the giant dwarf about how well they fit his feet. He happily put the soles of the boots on the grassy path of the “New Life” highway. He was ready for the next test.