39. | In search of something lost

Summary

This is not the easiest thing I’ve written, I promise, it will be hard to read!

This is my fortieth post on this blog. I actually had another post planned for today, but the ones I’m writing now have been preoccupying me for days. Somehow these thoughts want to take shape in writing. So I can’t resist my desire!

A few days ago, I was asked myself the question of what I was looking for in my life. And the answer that came to mind was that I wanted to find something that was lost. Or, something that was never mine. The second half of this thought is the interesting thing. Maybe something has always been missing from my life?

It is difficult to answer this question. Isn’t it, when I say that answering the question about myself is difficult for me, it is felt that I cannot and do not expect help from anyone.

Many times in my life I have felt that I am close. Don’t ask for what, because I cannot articulate it. Close to something that is good. Not to the solution. Not to the answer. To some indescribable source that many of us long for. What has always bothered me the most is that I cannot articulate what I feel close to.

I read Mária Szepes’ book: The Red Lion in April 2022. This book contains the history of alchemy and the deepest keys to Eastern philosophy. Among the many ideas presented in this work, there was one that really caught my attention. It showed me a wrong path, I thought I read a warning from it. If we look for the final answer, we can never reach our goal. After all, finding each answer raises many new questions. Since it takes a long time to search for the answer to every question, a person will die or go crazy before finding the final answer that is reassuring for him. In other words, the best we can do is to venture into the forest of questions only to a certain limit. Somehow, there too, I felt that we had to go to the point beyond which the inexplicable, but acceptable with peace of mind, can be found.

How many people have I seen who have found their answer, proclaimed this, represented this. Then he didn’t even dare to tell himself that the answer didn’t satisfy him… He still has questions, he can’t rest.

My own question is how can a person be so arrogant as to believe that he already knows everything, or at least almost everything? I think there are few people who really get far on the path of knowledge. Let me clarify this. I know few such people. At least in the sense that I certainly don’t have many such acquaintances, if I say that knowledge equals happiness.

I can definitely say that I am only at the beginning of my own journey – no matter how long I have been walking it. There were moments when I dared to believe that I had come a long way, but life always taught me humility in such times.

So, what am I looking for? I think I am looking for myself. Following Socrates’ famous saying, “Know thyself”, I have believed in the importance of self-reflection and self-knowledge for some time. Socrates also believed that the key to a virtuous life is knowing ourselves and critical self-examination. During these incredibly exciting few months for me, I involuntarily stated that I feel that the purpose of my life is to know myself.

However, with this, I managed to clarify the question that arose a few days ago. I am not looking for what is lost. I am looking for what was never mine.

I think it is no coincidence that I have now come to this serious question in my life. Perhaps it can be felt from the previous 39 articles that I am currently going through a serious change, after a difficult trauma. It is no coincidence – as I wrote in the article titled My 3+1 Helper – that I have been looking for mentors for this period. I have already completed the first lessons of both relaxation methods. This week I took out my meditation collection again. Next week I will start exercising again. My stated intention is that by the time I move to Thailand, I will be a practiced meditator and a person who is active on a daily basis. It is not by chance that I stated in my article quoted above that “At most, the first thing I will do is not to get acquainted with the nightlife of Thailand, but with a Buddhist monk.” This is now my stated intention. As is the fact that I will really get to know Zen more seriously.

I feel that there are no absolute truths in the world and in me. The world is so complex that it seems unnecessary to me to search for an answer.

Also, in my aforementioned article, I mentioned Douglas Adams’ brilliant book. I think that the philosophy of that book is very close to what I am trying to write about now. That book does not show itself to everyone. There are a couple of my friends whose eyes lit up when we talked about this book. I know many more people who read it but did not like it. I say this just to make it clear that it is not an easy book. Therefore, I can only repeat myself: “If you have not read it yet, I wholeheartedly recommend that you start. You will be richer if you understand what it is about!”

So, as I approach the end of this article, I can slowly say that I am close to what I am looking for, but I don’t know what it is yet. And I am not sure that I will ever reach it. But I am also sure that I will continue to move towards it. If I reach it and there is still someone around me, I will tell you.

Am I a competitive type? One of my friends asked me today. I am not. I feel like I never have been. So I wrote with a light heart that maybe I will never reach what I am looking for. That’s okay. It’s a cliché, but the journey is important. For me too.

This friend of mine also asked me, “Is it easier when you feel like you have nothing to lose?” I can’t answer. I had a night in my life when I thought I had nothing to lose. It wasn’t a good night, but the next morning I was able to warn myself that I was wrong, because I have a lot to lose. I don’t feel like I have anything to lose now, and that’s why what I’m doing now is easy. I feel like I can’t lose by creating a new life. I’ve already won by starting. It’s already a gift to be able to work with this dream. I’m on my way. Finally. I have a lot to lose, but I’ll only grow by walking this path. I’ll definitely break down one day, but that won’t be the loss. The loss would be if I didn’t walk my own path.

I have heard in the past few weeks a lot of people say that I am brave. I don’t feel particularly brave. I feel more like I am lucky. Maybe I don’t need to explain why…

Many people see strength and serenity in me. I am indeed serene and strong. But as a final thought of mine, I would like to share with you a few pictures that my sister sent me two weeks ago, in the shadow of the article entitled My Sweet Suffering:

As I started writing this article, I started listening to an album that I really like. It was The Obsidian Conspiracy by a band called Nevermore. This album was released in 2010 and accompanied me through a very difficult time. Listening to this album, even today, the pain that cost me my life at that time often comes back to me.

However, it cannot be a coincidence that I picked up this album just now. Without any special explanation, here is the song I am thinking of, and its lyrics.

Nevermore: Emptiness Unobstructed

[Chorus] Take me to the southern shore
Within emptiness unobstructed
My search for something more
Take me to a higher plane
Within emptiness unobstructed
Some things just can’t be explained

[Verse 1] Here we are again
In this simple valley of deception
Where does it go?
Is it swimming against the flow?
Or does no one ever know
Destiny, tranquility, validity of soul?

[Pre-Chorus 1] And I will say once more
The world is still a spinning ball of confusion
That no one understands

[Pre-Chorus 2] Within the cold absolute
The cold, brutal truth
There is a pained angel

[Chorus] Take me to the southern shore
Within emptiness unobstructed
My search for something more
Take me to a higher plane
Within emptiness unobstructed
Some things just can’t be explained

[Verse 2] So, the river ends
In this calamity we call heaven…
Is this perfection?
Are we spinning into the gray again?
And transforming to the insane?

[Pre-Chorus 1] And I will say once more
The world is still a spinning ball of confusion
That no one understands

[Pre-Chorus 2] Within the cold absolute
The cold, brutal truth
There is a pained angel

[Bridge] He will shelter you from harm
And sing to you throughout your darkest hours

[Chorus] Take me to the southern shore
Within emptiness unobstructed
My search for something more
Take me to a higher plane
Within emptiness unobstructed
Some things just can’t be explained

[Outro] What grows upon this rock
And its urgent sense of tragedy
Time has stopped

39. | In search of something lost