Summary
Somehow the thought crept in that I never wanted to please anyone…
I don’t believe in resolutions at the beginning of the year, and I don’t usually do that. However, this year, this year’s plans made it reasonable for me to work on planning the year. It’s almost like a New Year’s resolution, but a much more complex task. The resolution doesn’t just come as an idea, but a really well-thought-out plan is implemented. Accordingly, I filled out a workbook related to planning a year, and I participated in a mini-course on planning a year at the beginning of the year. Among the specifically formulated annual goals, there were two that related to my inner world:
- Quiet the thoughts that are constantly present in my head,
- Pay more attention to my inner voice.
Silence the sounds
Regarding the first goal, I learned just this year that I will not be able to silence or turn off thoughts, because the peculiarity of the brain’s functioning is that it produces thoughts.
A little game with numbers: In the post titled “Peaceful Warrior”, I mentioned that during my studies I have repeatedly encountered the suggestion that a person has 35,000-70,000 thoughts per day. Let’s assume that in addition to this ability to produce thoughts, 8 hours of sleep are combined with this ability to produce thoughts on a given day. Thus, an average person has 16 hours left to think. This means 57,600 seconds of time suitable for thinking per day. Based on the above logic, a person has 0.6-1.2 thoughts per second, if we assume that they do not think in their sleep. And we assume this: according to research, the human brain is active even during sleep, and in a certain sense “thinks”. Different stages of sleep involve different processes that contribute to thinking, learning, and problem-solving.
The bottom line of all these theories is that I have learned and agree that I cannot silence my thoughts. I can learn to control my thoughts, and I am currently learning this. The method for this is meditation, which I have been practicing daily for weeks.
Hearing my inner voice
I also had experiences with the inner world in the period of my life 8 years ago. I completed the Basic Mind Control course twice. Since my teenage years I have been interested in Eastern culture, especially the spirituality behind martial arts. I first tried meditation when I was around 12 years old. Then came many years of silence.
My interest in the inner voice naturally developed. And of course after a cataclysm, as I wrote in my posts “The decision” and “Butterfly or phoenix – a look back I.” 8 years ago, a psychologist told me in a therapy session that the reason for sleep problems could be that the inner voice can speak louder during the rest period of sleep. That’s when I started getting to know the person I am inside. Sometimes I asked him nicely to shut up, sometimes I screamed at him to let him sleep because we would both die if he didn’t leave me alone.
In the past 7-8 years, I have become closer to him. Or closer to myself. My journey of self-knowledge has been very colorful. A lot of things have come into my field of vision. I started with a therapy – the one mentioned above. I completed two coaching courses. I went to coaching. I went to psychodrama. I learned mindfulness. I listened to a lot of lectures from excellent speakers. I read a lot of books on the subject. I even held a coaching session. I talked a lot with the people around me. I learned the basics of right-brain drawing. I completed a PhotoReading course. As I mentioned earlier, I have completed 5 types of writing courses. And obviously I have thought a lot.
All of this knowledge moves on the border between the conscious and the subconscious, sometimes crossing the border this way and sometimes that way. They have shaped my personality, my perspective, my ability to accept.
But the someone I am inside only showed itself sometimes. That’s why I set the goal at the beginning of the year that I wanted to get to know him better. Especially after discovering and unraveling at least two or three of the – consciously unknown – programs that control my life in the past months without any outside help.
After writing the post “About my fears – Simon Sinek“, I clearly felt that I needed to delve into myself. Because I can’t see inside. A friend of mine asked me about writing this, why do I need fear? I replied that I don’t need fear. Rather, I’m just very curious about whether there is a barrier, a hidden resistance inside me that I don’t know about. A fear that is so strong that I even hide it from myself. I accept that I don’t feel fear on a conscious level, but I’m curious that there is nothing inside either. Secondly, I’m trying to get beyond my ego and I’m increasingly experiencing that I’m not infallible.
How can I get closer to myself?
Ayahuasca?
The ayahuasca ceremony is an ancient shamanic ritual performed primarily by indigenous peoples of South America for spiritual and healing purposes. Ayahuasca is a psychoactive brew made from a combination of the Banisteriopsis caapi vine and other plants, such as Psychotria viridis. The brew contains dimethyltryptamine (DMT), which can induce deep, inner journeys, visions, and spiritual insights.
The ceremony is usually led by an experienced shaman (curandero), who uses chants (icaros), incense, and ritual tools to help participants on their journey. The experience can bring about intense emotional and physical cleansing, often in the form of vomiting or crying, which is interpreted by cultures as a “cleansing” process. Many people experience a spiritual awakening, inner healing, or deeper self-knowledge during the ceremony.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across this word in the past few months. Anyone who has seen the film “The Wisdom of Trauma” may have heard about this from Dr. Gábor Máté. I am not kidding when I say that I hear this word almost every week from right and left. The experiences that beckon behind the ceremony seem very exciting in any case.
Of course, there are several problems with this ceremony.
The legal status of ayahuasca ceremonies in Hungary is not entirely clear. Although the ayahuasca brew itself is not on the list of narcotics, one of its main active ingredients, dimethyltryptamine (DMT), is classified as a prohibited substance. Therefore, consuming ayahuasca containing DMT is considered illegal in Hungary. According to Hungarian law, buying, consuming and possessing drugs is a crime and can be punished by up to two years in prison. Therefore, participating in ayahuasca ceremonies in Hungary carries legal risks.
Then there is the issue that my body does not really tolerate the effects of alcohol. So, no matter how many times this opportunity called me from behind the corner, I have to say no. For now. But, maybe I will visit the Netherlands someday…
So, I needed a safer method. And this is what chance offered me.
Rapid Transformational Therapy
I have been starting my days with this 10-minute morning meditation for a while now. After a few weeks, I became curious about whose pleasant voice I hear first in the morning. That’s how I ended up on Eszter’s YouTube channel and then her page after a few clicks. And then I immersed myself in this method.
RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) is a solution-focused therapy, an innovative blend of different techniques that uses the latest research results. It is an effective way to treat and solve both mental and physical problems.
The RTT method itself draws from the principles of hypnotherapy, NLP (neurolinguistic programming), psychotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy.
It uses the technique of surface hypnosis to help the client access their subconscious, and thereby effectively uncover the root cause of current problems. The rapid induction technique results in a relaxed state of consciousness similar to meditation, which enables extraordinary communication between the client and the deeper layers of their psyche. This enables a very powerful process of transformation and change. Our lives are 95% controlled by our subconscious, which guides us based on our innervations, habits, and beliefs. During the RTT treatment, we work directly with the subconscious using hypnosis. At this level, we change habits, thoughts, and programs that form beliefs.
I don’t think I read much further, because it probably occurred to me that this is what I need now.
I suspected that I could look into this therapy elsewhere, but Eszter called me. There was just one problem: I leafed through her calendar until December, but there was no free time. But then I noticed that there was only one available time in March. I immediately filled out the application form. I had to visit Szarvas, but that’s not a problem, I’d gladly drive 550 km for such an opportunity.
The application form
I filled out a survey form after my application. I quote three questions from it here, along with my answers:
- Briefly describe the problem (topic, difficulty, concern, symptom) that you would like to use the treatment to solve!
- I don’t have a problem. What is really interesting to me: Do I have any blockages or fears that I am not aware of at the moment? A fear that may be of such a magnitude and form that I don’t even dare to admit to myself. I have taken everything into account on a conscious level and found nothing unknown. I feel completely comfortable in my own skin, I have no known problems, I simply want to go deeper.
- What is the result that you expect from this treatment? If I had a magic wand and said “abracadabra” and could make any wish you had about the problem come true, what would that wish be?
- I am curious if there is something hidden in me, be it good or bad, that I have not seen in the past 7-8 years of self-knowledge.
- What would your life be like if this problem disappeared? How would you feel in your skin, what would you do differently, how would your life be different without it? Use only positive words and sentences!
- My life is already a miracle. I have no problems that I am waiting for to disappear. I am on a spiritual journey that I enjoy every moment. I feel with all my being that my life is good and my journey is good.
The therapy
Eszter Mulholland has a magical personality, she immediately enchanted me with her personality. The therapy began with a conversation on a conscious level. We talked about a lot of things in order to be able to introduce myself, to be able to show the real me. I listened with good feelings to how surprised Eszter was that someone had applied to her without causing any problems.
Since I have some knowledge of coaching, I can say with deep conviction that Eszter asked me very good questions with her understanding attention. She received me prepared, I felt this too, because we had a recognition already in the conscious conversation, which came up in connection with the given word hidden in my few-word introduction and also appeared in the conversation. It is important to emphasize that there was a recognition already during the conscious conversation. We worked together on a very similar wavelength during the conversation, which either means that Eszter connects with the given patient with excellent professionalism, or that we see the world and ourselves in it very similarly. I dare to feel that both aspects were present.
I asked Eszter why I wrote that my life is already a miracle. On Monday of the week before, a friend of mine asked if I was happy. I answered yes. Why, came the next question. But I couldn’t say this clearly. It’s just a feeling in me, I answered. I could already answer Eszter’s question, and I think the two questions are exactly the same. I am happy and my life is a miracle because I definitely feel that everything I need, everything I am looking for is there within me. It has always been there, and I have always felt this. I am grateful for my life, I am happy from the knowledge that I don’t have to build self-confidence with all sorts of methods, like so many people around me. I got this from somewhere. I always believed in myself. Maybe this is happiness for me. I am grateful that this answer was born in me here!
After the long conversation, we started the surface hypnosis part. I hadn’t done any self-knowledge work lying down yet. One of the important pieces of the very friendly furnished therapy room is the sofa, and by the time we arrived here I was already quite attuned to the occasion and lay down. After many meditations with Eszter’s voice in the past few weeks, it was a very friendly experience that the voice now spoke only to me and only for me.
After reaching the right level of consciousness, the adventures began.
I compare finding my first childhood experience to spinning a roulette wheel. Several times in a row. Then suddenly there is an experience. When I heard “I’m going to count to five and then tell me where you are and what you see,” I didn’t have an experience in my head. 1: I’m not thinking about anything. 2: Five is coming soon. 3: A memory might come… 4: Huston, there’s something wrong. 5: I have it. The memory popped in!
What it was is irrelevant to the writing. An early childhood experience popped in, which I mostly only know from family stories, because I never consciously remembered it. I don’t even remember ever having been to that particular location. I have only one image of it, a family photo. Yet everything was clearly visible behind my closed eyes. What goes beyond therapy about this experience is when I told my older daughter the whole therapy two days later. When I got to this part, I started the first memory by saying the name of the location. Nothing else. And she exclaimed: “Dad, I knew you would say that!” She told me that she had just told this story to her partner a few days ago. I asked her when she told it, and she replied that it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday. We agreed that if it had happened the day before yesterday, it would be truly magical, because that’s when I was at Eszter’s…
Returning to therapy: I started to cry already at this memory. It’s a very strange experience to cry with my eyes closed. I’ve had many occasions to cry over the past many years. I know the kind of tears that sting your eyes. I know the tears of happiness. I know the cold tears of pain. The tears I was shedding now were warm. These were tears of joy from the realization. They were mixed with happiness, and it was a very strange feeling. The pain of the event from my past mixed with the happiness of the present. The event hurt so much that I was happy at the same time. This experience magically made my soul light…
The second, third, and fourth events pointed in the direction of the first, but we delved much deeper. In my article “My roots,” I wrote: “Somehow the thought crept in that I never wanted to please anyone.” Well, this one, on Friday, turned out to be completely untrue. Ever since I was a little boy, ever since kindergarten, I wanted to be like my father.
My tears flowed here because I knew it was true. I just never confronted it, never said it. During the journey, I met the little boy who was once me. I talked to him. I hugged him. I felt his pain and I was happy all the while, because I knew that what hurt him then would pass later in his life. What hurts him on the road will no longer hurt his future self. I loved this meeting with the little boy. I understood a lot about him. Before the end of the meditative state, we hugged each other tightly, then merged into one.
I would like to meet this little boy again to learn more about him. And I am sure that we will hug each other again. Maybe in the Netherlands…
Unfortunately, the point came when I had to come out of the meditative state. Let’s say it was good that I was finally able to wipe my nose. In every other way, I would have stayed there longer. Just like with Eszter. I spent half a day there, and I loved every minute of that time.
The next day, I received the meditation that Eszter had prepared for me. I think what I wrote to Eszter after the first listening says it all about her: “Thank you for the painting made with loving care! I just listened to it for the first time and I am writing with fresh experiences in my heart, but I will also write more thoughtfully. Now I just want you to share the warmth I feel! I cried for a long time during the meditation, but my tears were warm, peaceful and loving tears. I am grateful for the recognition we found together, which the meditation depicts very beautifully. And I love the portrait of me, I recognize myself in your voice.”
The second half of therapy
I took Friday’s insights to my dad on Sunday. We had a long conversation together. Not just about Friday, and not even about it at first. Our conversation naturally flowed from one part of the conversation to things related to therapy, and moreover, it was not me, but dad who crossed over into that area. It was good to talk about our shared past with an adult and mature mind.
A very intense three-day experience came to an end on Sunday. I became much richer by taking my first steps towards my subconscious!
Final words: On Monday, I called a friend to tell him about my experience. I called him just as he started writing me a letter. “Synchronicity”. As I told him more and more about my discoveries, he suddenly said that I would like the video. Then after a few minutes he reflected on my story again. Well, I won’t add any more thoughts to this now, let this video stand here. Below are the closing thoughts from Gábor Presser, don’t miss it if you can!
I would tell you what I think
I would show you what I am
And I am content to die
And that is all I can do