52. | About my fears – Simon Sinek

Ripple

In the endless swirl of the past three months, every wave ripples so interestingly. I feel like I will never get tired of this apparent infinity of synchronicity. However, it also strikes me that I have mentioned this phenomenon in 8 out of the 52 posts so far. That is already 15% that can be seen with the naked eye. And these are just the cases that I have written down! The interesting connections that keep appearing make this period very interesting for me. Even if I have already received the message that “there is no need to explain much about these” and that “they are just coincidences”.

I think that I do not need to explain anything here, especially not to myself. I simply experience these beautiful moments that are interconnected and greet the new phenomenon with a smile. I think it would be completely unnecessary to describe what I think about coincidence, because my thoughts appearing in my lines reveal everything.

Simon Sinek

I’ve only mentioned him twice in the last 52 times. Three is the Hungarian truth.

It happened again that a self-development course I was listening to recommended another presentation by Simon Sinek, Why you should define your fears instead of your goals?

In this presentation, Simon states that he does not set goals for himself from time to time, but rather seeks out his fears. The reason for this is that, according to some opinions, fears prevent us from taking action. That is, if we confront our fears, we can continue to overcome them. He calls this technique fear targeting.

Interestingly, he also says that he noticed the basics of the technique in the teachings of Stoicism.

I only vaguely remembered what Stoicism was, so I immediately looked up the Wikipedia summary on the subject. I read the following there, and I found the last sentence of the quote particularly interesting.

Stoic philosophy or Stoicism is a Hellenistic philosophical school that flourished in classical Greco-Roman antiquity. It is characterized by a cosmological approach that seeks a holistic understanding of the world, from which a universal principle emerges that applies to all natural phenomena and natural contexts. It advocates serene acceptance of fate and self-control, striving for harmony with nature, and detachment from disturbing emotions. The Stoics believed that the practice of virtue was sufficient to achieve eudaimonia, a life well-lived. The path to eudaimonia (“happiness, well-being”) for humans is to accept the moment as it appears and not let the desire for pleasure or fear control it. One uses the mind to understand the world and to play one’s part in nature’s plan, to cooperate with others, and to treat them fairly and equitably.

It was the body of teachings of the Stoic philosophical school (the Stoa), founded by Zeno of Citium in Athens around 310 BC and very influential in the ancient and early medieval periods. The word “Stoic” comes from the Greek word stoa = “(columned) hall”, “terrace”, as lectures and meetings were held in the foyers of the Athenian marketplace (Stoa Poikile).

Zeno’s successors at the head of the school were Chrysippus and Cleanthes, but among the followers and practitioners of the school there are also much more serious names such as the Roman orator, philosopher and statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero, the philosopher and politician Lucius Annaeus Seneca (teacher of the Roman emperor Nero), or the Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius.

Stoic philosophy, somewhat contradicting the Greek natural philosophy tradition of the time, and following Socrates, was more (though not exclusively) oriented towards society and people, the humanum. For example, they proclaimed the equal value of all people, and generally emphasized holism, the deep-seated unity of the universe, as well as pantheism, the teaching that the god(s) are of the same essence as nature, the universe. Among Eastern philosophies, this trend is most closely related to Buddhism

That’s all for now! Anyway, at the end of the lecture, I downloaded all the Seneca e-books I could. I just got a real book at the end of September. What could be the reason for this?

Simon created a 3-page survey, which – as I mentioned – he does quarterly about himself. I also created this survey for myself in my own Excel format. I created 3 pictures of it.

My own fears

Writing is exciting for me from here. Where do I start?

I started filling out the Excel spreadsheet. I had only one problem with this task… I couldn’t articulate any of my fears.

Let me explain!

Let’s start with the – in my opinion – basic fear. Fear of death.

Whose death can I fear? I think that the basic distinction is between my own and that of others. I can refine this to include me, those I love and are dear to me, and everyone else. In any case, the fear of death begins with myself, I think it may be the most ancient instinct in everyone.

My own death

I have not been afraid of my own death for a long time, perhaps I never did it. There have been situations in my life when I have been touched by the fear of death, whether in a bad road situation or during an encounter with a wild boar. In these moments I know for sure that the instinct has worked. In normal moments of life, I regard my death as a natural thing. I do not want to die. Except for one evening in my life, I have never wanted to give up my earthly presence. But when I think that any day, hour or minute could be my last, no feeling of dread seizes me. I have told my children several times that if I die, they should not cry if possible, but think that I had a good life and that I didn’t miss anything, in case this will ease their pain. I have also suggested this to other loved ones and friends. Whenever the end comes, I will not feel like I missed anything or that I still have to do something.

Not so long ago, I said in a group that if I knew that I had 3 months left from today, I would not want to do anything differently in those 3 months than I have been doing so far. I would not immediately set off on a trip around the world, I would not pay for space travel (well, maybe). I would live the same as I have been doing so far. Then – since my boss was there – I added a sentence to this, turning to him: Well, I would not go to work in those three months.

I haven’t tried everything yet. I haven’t been anywhere near every place that’s beautiful. I’ve seen so many wonders of the world, but there are so many more that three lifetimes wouldn’t be enough. I’ve been saying for years that I’ve had so many experiences, and I only remember a lot of them as good. That’s enough for me. There are so many such “good times” that fill my entire life. Almost every day is worth something good. When I take my evening inventory, I never have to think long about what I was grateful for that day. I’m 49 years old. I have lived 30 years in love. There are people who have not had a single week in their entire lives. Or – for example – who have had as many good things happen to them in their entire lives as have happened to me in a week.

To this day, whenever I hear a good song, I immediately start singing, and sometimes I can barely stand not to dance. I have the joy of the young person I once was. I am driven by curiosity and I still have the strength to often take my own outstretched hand and continue walking with myself.

So, I am grateful for the life I have had so far and I will gladly accept as much of it as I get, no matter how much it is. I dare say that I am not afraid of my own demise.

The Death of My Loved Ones

I have a story that might be a good introduction to what I have to write here.

Once, my older daughter and I went to Budaörs. That is, we had nothing to do in the capital, only before. At a gas station, two young people with backpacks were waiting for someone to pick them up. They were us. They were two young French people, they formed a team. They participated in a competition. The competition was about which team could reach Dohány Street in Budapest first by only hitchhiking. They won, because while they were telling me what the competition was, I decided to take them there. Suddenly, my daughter joined in my conversation with them in perfect English. This was the first time I could experience how excellently she uses this language. When we dropped the guys off, we continued talking with my daughter. I told her what an excellent adventure this was, and I hope she will have the opportunity to experience something like it too. Then he asked me: “Dad, wouldn’t you be afraid of me if I went to one of these?” I could immediately answer him: “Yes, my dear, I would be very afraid of you, as I have always been afraid of you, but you still have to go on your way!”

I think of death as an inevitable part of our lives. None of us can avoid it and no one can know when it will overtake us. Neither he himself, nor the one who is dear to him. Therefore, I believe that the fear of death simply cannot define or influence my life. I have lost someone I loved or who was simply dear to me. I have a former friend who, when I think of him, brings tears to my eyes to this day. Especially when I think of how young he died, or how hopeful he was after his cancer and how happy he was when he told me that they were expecting their second child. (Rest in peace, Csibi!) We have had several losses in our family. I have had my share of shocking news of a colleague’s death.

So, I don’t take the shock of death lightly. I know I will have plenty of it if I live long enough. There will be some that I will have a hard time dealing with. I don’t want to live to see my children die, for example. I don’t think I could handle it. There are many people for whom, when I think they won’t make it, my throat tightens right now. Maybe too many. But this thing is still part of our lives! No one can answer the whys and nothing can ease the pain that we feel at such times. But at the same time, there is nothing we can do about most deaths. So I think it’s simply a shame to be afraid of it.

At least I’m not willing to be afraid of it in advance!

As an interesting question, I asked AI: “Is there a name or trend for the phenomenon where someone is not afraid of death because they think it’s a natural part of life?”

The answer:

Yes, there are several approaches to this phenomenon, depending on whether we look at it from a philosophical, psychological or spiritual perspective.

Philosophical approaches:

• Stoicism: According to the ancient Greco-Roman philosophical school, death is a natural part of life and should not be feared because it is inevitable. The Stoics believed that the fear of death was irrational, since the transience of life was natural. We can find many such ideas in the writings of Marcus Aurelius or Seneca.
• Epicureanism: According to Epicurus, the fear of death is unnecessary because “as long as we exist, death is not present, and when death comes, we no longer exist.” This view considers death to be a state of unconsciousness, which can be neither good nor bad.

2. Psychological approach:

• Terror Management Theory (TMT): This psychological theory examines how people deal with the awareness of the inevitability of death. Some people reduce their fear of death by finding meaning in life or by accepting it.
• Post-Traumatic Growth: Some people become more accepting and less fearful of death after experiencing serious trauma, as they have experienced the fragility of life.

3. Spiritual and Religious Beliefs:

• Buddhism: Buddhism believes that death is part of the natural cycle of life, and accepting impermanence is an important step toward freedom from suffering.
• Taoism: Taoist philosophy also emphasizes natural flow, with death being just as much a part of life as birth.

4. Modern Movements:

• Existential Psychology: Both Viktor Frankl and Irvin Yalom have explored the idea that accepting death can help people find deeper meaning in life.
• Mindfulness and Presence Practices: These help people accept the natural cycles of life, including death.

Conclusion:

If you wanted to name this attitude, perhaps the terms acceptance of death or existential acceptance would be the most appropriate. And in a philosophical framework, it could be described as stoic calm or epicurean perspective.

How do you feel, do you have such an accepting attitude, or are you still looking for the way to it?

That’s the AI’s answer so far.

I’ll summarize the familiar concepts that I’ve dealt with in recent years or even just in the last three months: stoicism, epicureanism, Seneca, post-traumatic growth, Buddhism, Taoism, existential psychology (I’ve also read books by Viktor Frankl and Irvin Yalom), mindfulness.

Maybe it’s not by chance that I know my own answer to AI’s question…

That’s why I think I couldn’t start filling out the Excel spreadsheet. I can’t enter a fear that I have nothing to do with into the spreadsheet.

What other fears did I find then?

This is where the trouble starts. I couldn’t enter a single fear into the table. But I’m cautious about this myself. At first, I didn’t find the relief that I was living life so well that I wasn’t afraid of anything. Rather, I thought that I might have fears that I didn’t even dare admit to myself. I’m sure I have to be afraid of something, but it’s probably so oppressive that I hide it from myself.

I tried to think through the matter in terms of questions:

• What are you afraid of losing?
• What are you afraid of not getting?

Here I got stuck with the grouping, so – as I have so many times before – I asked the AI: “My task is to make a list of my fears. Could you help me? What categorization of fear would you make?”

1. By source:

• Physical fears: Related to direct physical danger. E.g.: heights, depths, spiders, diseases, accidents.
• Emotional/psychological fears: Fear of emotional harm or loss. E.g.: rejection, failure, humiliation, loneliness.
• Existential fears: Anxieties related to the big questions of life. E.g.: fear of death, a sense of meaninglessness, fear of aging.

2. By control:

• Controllable fears: Things you can work on or change. E.g.: exam stress, fear of public speaking.
• Uncontrollable fears: Situations you cannot control. E.g.: natural disasters, other people’s opinions, death.

3. By time horizon:

• Past experience-based fears: Fears that develop as a result of trauma or negative experiences. E.g.: fear of driving after an accident.
• Current fears: Current situations that cause anxiety right now. E.g.: fear before an important conversation.
• Future fears (anxiety): Fear about things that have not yet happened. E.g.: losing a job, aging, illness.

4. Based on the social dimension:

• Individual fears: Personal fears that are specific to you. E.g.: fear of loneliness, anxiety due to perfectionism.
• Collective fears: Fears that are widespread at a societal level. E.g.: fear of economic crisis, war, climate anxiety.

5. According to intensity:

• Mild fears: Minor anxieties that rarely interfere with everyday life. E.g.: slight social anxiety.
• Moderate fears: Frequently felt but manageable fears. E.g.: fear of flying, but you still travel.
• Intense fears (phobias): Fears that are so strong that they limit daily life. E.g.: claustrophobia, panic attacks.

I have been working on this fear-setting task for exactly a week, since Thursday last week. Since then, I have found two fears in myself. Partly, I was able to draw inspiration from the conversations I have had since then and from the questions above.

First of all, I am afraid of snakes and frogs.

I am afraid of disappointment. My sister-in-law asked me – while analyzing why I have not been able to sleep for months – if I am not afraid of disappointment. Of not being able to achieve my dream. I was able to answer her right away, because I could already identify this fear in myself. I am not afraid of not being able to achieve my goal. Now I feel like there is nothing that can stand in my way. In fact – in another conversation – I expressed it the other day that I have never felt as strong as I do now. But I am afraid of disappointment. So far, I have been disappointed twice. With two women. In two relationships. I’m afraid that the third one will do to me what the first two did. I’m afraid of disappointment, that if I get naked for the third time, I’ll be disappointed again. But I also trust that I’ve learned enough to be able to take care of myself and share my soul with someone who can finally take care of it.

I haven’t found any other fear in myself.

Based on the questions, thoughts are swirling in my mind, so I’ll write down a few of them.

I’m not afraid of losing something, because I voluntarily want to have less and less to do. I’m not afraid of losing my health. I’m not afraid of losing my ability to walk. I’ll do what I can to maintain my abilities.

I’m not afraid of not getting something. I’m not afraid of not having a job after I quit. I am not afraid of missing out on something, because I have simpler goals than getting something. I want the world, and my world is already mine.

I have no physical fear. I have no existential fear, I have not worried about the meaning of life for a long time, I have never been afraid of aging.

I do not find fear in myself based on time.

I have no social anxiety. I am not afraid of loneliness. I would like to share my life with someone, I wrote about this in the post Am I looking for you!? I am not afraid of losing my family, I am not worried that my friends will not stay.

So, for now, I have not found too much fear in myself. If I will, there will be a continuation of this post.

So perhaps as a final thought, I would like to make a wish! My dear Dulcinea! If I find you somewhere, please send the snakes and frogs far away. And once I have offered my soul to yours, don’t disappoint me again!

P.S.: I was once talking to a journalist who wrote a chapter of my story. When he asked me what kind of woman I thought I would live with, I told him that she would be the happiest woman in the world with me. He said that I am an eternal idealist. He is right. I am!