How do you say in Hungarian that the friend is female in a given case? If I say that something happened to my “girlfriend”, even I get the impression that I have more irons in the fire. But it’s really just a female friend.
So: I shared my blog address with a friend. The next day I received a video from her in a message. The title of the video was: “Women go crazy for emotionally developed men”. It’s about Levente Lakatos’ podcast. I’ll show you the video at the end of the post.
In the video description I read: “My guest today has been giving personality development consultations for 10 years, and with her videos about self-development, she has become a TikTok star, with more than half a million followers. Her first book was published last year, which was in 4th place on the Libri bestseller list on the day the episode was recorded, so a lot of people read it. We talk to Ian Soltész about developing self-confidence, awareness and living without inhibitions. Is there such a thing? It turns out.”
I started watching the video, then stopped after 15 minutes. I didn’t stop because it was bad. I felt again that I could connect with a lot of points in the conversation, so it would be worth listening to it and taking notes. And then posting it on my blog. Here it is!
Women go crazy for emotionally developed men
I will not hide it – I liked this conversation almost from the beginning because Ian Soltész, with whom Levente Lakatos is talking, is an acquaintance I did not know. Listening to what he said, thoughts came to mind such as that we are “on the same wavelength”, “in different words, but I hear my own voice”, or even “what parallels there are in our inner journeys”.
Moving around the world
Ian Soltész currently lives in Asia, moving from one country to another every month. He is currently on his way to Thailand, Bali, Thailand and finally Vietnam. And there he sees what the chill people there know differently, what makes them so calm. I see the thought I expressed in my post “The Decision” echoing back: “I want to live in a country where not one out of ten people, but six or seven, smile back at me.”
Minimalist nomad
Was the nomadic life your spiritual need, the reporter asks. According to Levente, the essence of this is breaking away from the squirrel wheel. Ian, on the other hand, replies that he was more attracted to minimalism, to having as few objects as possible. He did not want to do an asceticism. I wrote about these thoughts in my posts entitled “I live a minimalist life”, “How do I start a new life at 50?” and “Who are digital nomads?”.
The change of self-identity
Ian only mentions it in half a sentence, but it is a rather important idea that he thinks self-identity can change. I largely agree with this. In some conversations in recent months, I have been asked the unspoken question, “Have you lost your mind?” Anyone who knows my previous identity (say, a family man who worries about his children) may not be able to accept that my reality, my self-identity, is different now than it was six months ago.
Break the pattern
Ian had a black shoe on one foot and a white shoe on the other during the conversation. I didn’t see this, but I believe Levente. The explanation for this is that Ian is trying to break the patterns in his own life with this. The only way I can relate to this is that I think I still have work to do with breaking the pattern and the issue of patterns. It has been on the periphery of my attention for some time. I quickly checked that I had bought the lecture “Schemachemistry – Unconscious Motives of Attraction and Partner Choice” on a well-known self-development website two years ago, which I haven’t watched since. Maybe I should have?
Change
The question arose as to what was the reason for the change that turned Ian from a man in a suit pulled out of a box into a wanderer living in the jungle. Ian didn’t answer, which makes me think that it all started with a decision, the result of which was the change of moving to the other side of the world alone, without any help from acquaintances or friends. He actually wanted to try out what he had been talking about for a while. Which then came true there. I think making this kind of change after the foundations have been established is something I wrote about in my post entitled “The Decision”.
In recent years, I have experienced several times in my own life that, based on some impulse, I had a realization about a point in my existence and I was able to put this realization into practice immediately and without any problems. According to Ian, more and more people are able to successfully implement this. The ego is what doesn’t allow us to change even after the realization, because – right – what will they say if I said this before and now I suddenly say something different. The motto here is that what is true in the morning may not be true in the afternoon. I would add to this the issue of authenticity, which I addressed in my writings “Ash-baked scone”, “An uplifting opinion” and “The Wisdom of Trauma”.
A very interesting thought about the reason for this change is that a person on the path of self-knowledge lives in the here and now, and accordingly can really think differently, even within a short time. Along with all this life, of course, rules are needed and the mentality of consciously not wanting to harm others.
Compulsion to conform
I haven’t written about this directly on this blog yet, but it has been in my thoughts for a long time that in my current stage of life, I want to conform primarily to myself. That’s why I have no fear, or as Ian puts it, I am free of spasms. I believe in what I represent, I do what I do from an inner motivation. I hope that I represent myself authentically.
Regarding expectations, Ian’s symbol is the beggar’s cup, in which a person dependent on others collects the recognition of others. It also occurred to me that in the mid-2000s I wanted to write a book. It would have been titled – along similar ideas – The Beggars of Love…
Externalized self-esteem
This is a really good term, so I’ve never heard it before. I immediately understand why we’re talking about it.
Anyone who expects confirmation from others that they’re a good person is in big trouble. Self-confidence and self-esteem will only help anyone if it comes from within.
It would be good if everyone learned to feel good about themselves alone. I’ve addressed these thoughts in the posts “About my loneliness,” “I love what I do,” and “How do I read?”
Arrogance
The conversation partners thoroughly explore where the feedback that forms the basis of our self-esteem comes from. Here, the thought-provoking statement arises that if someone is arrogant, what a pejorative meaning it has these days. Yet the meaning of the word is that the individual is complete with himself, which means that it should not necessarily be negative. And it may also be true that if I say more than three good things to the question “how are you?”, then they will immediately accuse me of bragging.
In the past three months, I have also experienced several times that while telling the story of many good experiences, I feel like I am bragging. However, I only wanted to share my joy with others. For me, this is somewhere close to the issue of authenticity.
The guys also talk about how if you express your feelings very transparently, then the listener may start to compare, to state that they are not yet where you are. It is a form of self-deprecation. The legitimate question in this case is why we don’t simply accept that we are different.
And for any negative opinions that may be expressed, it is worth considering why they make me feel bad? If I am at peace with myself, I probably don’t have much to do with such opinions, I think. In any case, it is a good self-development exercise
Fear
Where there is no fear, there is no courage. After writing “About my fears”, this is still an important and unresolved thought in my mind. The conversation was about how someone can change despite the fear that appears, that is courage. Acting despite fear is what moves a person forward.
Ian tells us that he used to wish he had no fear. But he also realized that this is not life-like. This is life-like when a person’s life consists only of routine actions. If there is nothing new, then perhaps a life without fear is possible. In his opinion, there is nothing wrong with being afraid. I agree. And I am curious to see where I will go with this line of thought in my own life.
Super Personality
Ian’s book is titled “Super Personality”. For him, this concept means that you are a person who is able to develop new qualities in yourself and deactivate behaviors that you do not like. Or can you start playing with the idea of becoming a person above personality?
That sounds very exciting. I saved Ian’s book to Remarkable after the first listen, I think I’ll start reading it tonight.
The deeper meaning of this concept is that you keep what you like about your personality, and start to override what causes you suffering in the long run. This means the question of “no, nos”, setting boundaries, and generally standing up for yourself.
Responsibility – Self-Respect From Within
Ian also says what I wrote in the posts “Forgive yourself, Soma” and “The Wisdom of Trauma.” When the freedom to recognize my own responsibility shows the way, I stand much stronger in life than I ever have before.
Freud supposedly said – Ian quotes – that if someone is depressed, they should not immediately start with psychotherapy, but should look around to see if they are surrounded by good people. I can consider myself lucky that I am not depressed, but even in the absence of this illness I can appreciate how excellent and good people I am surrounded by.
Asian perception, European perception
There is a difference. For example, if someone is sick, they don’t start showing off, but start thinking that I didn’t meditate today, and I’ll do it now. They can look inward and be alone. I can relate to this quite strongly in light of my dream that is now coming true.
There, you don’t see that someone is religious from the fact that they come out of the church, but from the way they speak to the other person. The characters talked about religion, and the issue of non-judgment came up several times in this regard. Perhaps this judgment is exactly my biggest problem with my country: if you’re not like this, then you are like that, and there is no middle ground.
Eight out of ten people in our country say that they want to be happy. But when asked how you want to be happy, they can’t answer. One of the reasons for unhappiness is that we get caught up in our expectations.
Bessie
Ian calls Bessie the voice that speaks inside and creates tension. Anyone who lacks self-esteem or self-confidence, anyone who has negative thoughts, has Bessie. If someone is feeling bad, start looking for Bessie within yourself. Because he started talking, because I was feeling really good until now, and now some bad feeling has started. All my feelings have logic – says Ian. How strange that he mentions logic along with feelings. How strange that I think exactly the same way…
But if I observe that I am feeling bad, for example by asking myself if this bad feeling could talk, what would it say, then it turns out that the bad did not just fall into our laps. We can quickly identify with what Bessie says. But if we are consciously in the here and now, then we can notice that we have just started to feel bad, we can find the thoughts behind the feelings and we can start to work with them. For example, in the case of anxiety, we can immediately ask Bessie whether the “prediction” that he fed us is true.
A coping strategy can also be to show Bessie that he will not be right just because of that.
Adaptation
Levente talks about how the final step in building self-esteem for him was when he realized that he shouldn’t take on other people’s energies. That is, he shouldn’t adapt to the other person just to be more likable. Because that only takes away their energies. It’s worth paying attention to where the moment is when these energies first want to be transferred between two people. And what can I do then to avoid being subordinate to the other. This is something I wrote about in the post “I’m looking for you!?”.
When I make a mistake…
Ian says that we are at peace with ourselves when we can honestly laugh at our own mistakes. When we are so at peace with ourselves that when we make a mistake, we can say “I made a mistake. So what?” Hearing this, the thoughts that were swirling in my head when I wrote my post “Forgive yourself, Soma!” came to mind.
These were the interesting thoughts for me. I can relate to them. Regardless, it’s worth watching the video.