I write my writings – which can be read on this online-dentist.hu – for several purposes. On the one hand, there is the therapeutic writing that has been mentioned several times. When I sit down to write these writings, I have to think several times about what and how I am writing. At the same time, my thoughts are somewhat rearranged, some are lost, and some are born while writing. Personally, I like these thoughts that are born while writing, because they often bring me my realizations.
For example, I felt this at the end of writings like “The downsides of life in Thailand”, the last sentence of which was what made me feel that I had to write that writing. If I hadn’t written the rest, I feel like I wouldn’t have lost anything, but if the last one had been left out, I would have missed it.
Another purpose of my writings is to provide inspiration. Preparing for physical things may provide useful ideas and scenarios for others who are going through something similar to me. And the conclusions that can be drawn from my spiritual struggles may be able to add a little to the reader, if that is what they need.
Now I’m sharing a self-discovery I made a week ago.
Writing and Self-Awareness Course
The Writing and Self-Awareness Course, mentioned in the posts “My 3+1 Helper in the Next Period” and “Development of support courses” ended last Tuesday, a week ago. The last session was about discussing the experiences we had discovered. We summarized for each other and for ourselves what happened to us during the 5×2 hours we spent together.
My own summary was as follows: I came to this course for questions and answers. I am very grateful to the course leader because he brought up so many good questions with the help of the writings chosen as examples. I am very grateful to the other members of the group because they gave me so many perspectives with their honest answers. Some of the questions asked are ones I have already completed in my journey of self-knowledge, but there were quite a few questions that I have been working on in the past few weeks. And of course there were some that I will continue to work on in the future.
Based on these, I can say that this course met my expectations and I am completely satisfied with spending some of my last Tuesdays here. We were a very good team. One of our group members told me in a heartwarming way how much he loved us and how he would miss us on his Tuesdays. The feeling is mutual, I loved being a member of this group.
What did I get from this course besides my expectations?
Beyond my expectations, I also received a very important realization.
I remember two specific things that made my realization possible.
The first was an assignment where we read a poem where the narrator of the monologue verbally abused someone very harshly. It was a poem by Virág Erdős: Most őszintén. Every sentence of the poem is about someone trying very hard to push the other person’s head into the swamp. The related question was whether we had had a similar experience. No matter how I thought about it, I couldn’t find a person in my memory who had abused me. Of course, there was one or two, but in a special situation, and now I understand what their motivation was. In vain, not all divorces are a cakewalk…
So, for this task, I thought that I was lucky that I had never been verbally abused in my life. Or – perhaps more importantly – I didn’t take it personally. I remember 8-9 years ago someone told me, “You don’t understand Excel!” Even then, I had about 20 years of very serious experience with this program, and I had already had about 10 years of teaching experience. That was the first time I consciously said to myself that it doesn’t matter what anyone says, I know for sure that I am good at this program. To this day, many people call me an Excel guru. That is, I don’t need to deal with people who say that. I should note that the person who said it knew exactly how good I was at it.
The other specific thing came up in the last class. Someone started talking about how burdensome it is to always have to satisfy someone. You always had to be some kind of. The question immediately arose in me, who did I want to satisfy in my life? Somehow the thought crept in that I never wanted to satisfy anyone. This does not mean that I do not behave according to expectations at work or in society, for example. It does not mean that I do not want to fulfill the tasks given or undertaken. For me, this thought is not about behavior. It is more about the fact that I never wanted to be smarter than others. I did not want to win at all costs. I did not start playing the guitar to have women lying at my feet. I do not study and read to impress others. In general, I feel that I have done everything for my own desires.
In addition, in recent months I have repeatedly stated that I feel like a rootless person, because I have never managed to live anywhere permanently, life has always blown me away, as if it did not take into account that I want to put down roots. I want to be at home somewhere.
And then, an hour before the end of the course, the thought simply crossed my mind: No way, you are rootless Soma! You just haven’t noticed until now that your roots are in yourself. Your resilience, flexibility, optimism come from yourself. You are a truly lucky guy that your self-esteem has been nourished by yourself your entire life.
This realization is the real benefit of the course for me. I am grateful that these thoughts were born in me. I am happy that I believe in these words. And it is good that I was able to write them down!