Nearly two weeks ago, shortly after my 49th birthday, I had a realization on a beautiful Sunday. This article is about that realization and the thoughts that arose in my mind in connection with it.
What happened on Sunday?
Nothing special happened, except for what usually happens. I was active all day. I’ve always done something on the weekends for many years now. It’s been very rare in recent years that I didn’t have a specific program for the weekend. For example, now, at the end of March, I only find a free weekend in May on my calendar. Many programs are written months in advance.
But this weekend I was at home. I meditated in the morning. Then I read. Then I worked on a workout program that can be done at home. I did this workout quickly. I was at the store, where – for the first time in a long time – I bought foods that are suitable for a healthy diet. I started learning shuffle dance, which I’ve been considering for about 1.5 years. I had lunch with my parents. I slept a little in the afternoon. Then I danced, just like that, based on no style. Just for the joy. I worked on my future plans. I talked to a friend on the phone. In the evening, instead of working out, I went for an 8 km walk, followed by TRE relaxation. There were other things to do in between these activities, but perhaps this is enough to show how busy the day was. For example, I left for a walk at 9 pm and spent an hour and a half wandering.
The realization came early in the afternoon. I suddenly said to myself how good this day was because I was doing all the things I enjoyed doing. Then I suddenly realized that it had never been any different before: I usually did things I liked to do. If I didn’t like doing something, I usually did it with pleasure. Or at least not in apathy.
But my realization came from the fact that on this day I had done all the activities that were a joy to do and that built me up. I realized that I was free. For me, that is what freedom means.
Let me describe my definition of freedom once again: I do activities that fill me with joy and build me up, on a physical, spiritual, or both levels.
I’ve had days like this many times in the last few months. For example, in January I went hiking once on Saturday and then again on Sunday, and I walked 50 km on both days. The first half of the second day, thanks to a chance encounter, I wasn’t alone, but the plan was to hike alone. In April I’m going to fly to Italy, where I’m going to hike alone. It will be the first time in my life I’m going to fly alone. Or, for example, I’ve been walking alone a lot lately.
This is interesting because before, I usually always shared my time with someone. And that was always the case. But these joint activities also involve working for shared joy. It was in no way a burden, I must emphasize this! I don’t feel that I was not free when I hiked with someone before. It’s simply that now I feel freedom in the fact that only my own joy is in focus. Once again: I am always happy to share this freedom with others, I focus on others willingly and happily, but what is new is that now I only have to focus on myself.
About selfishness
Here I think the question naturally came to me: am I selfish then, now? Or, in other words, have I become a selfish person now?
I guess this question arose because the emphasis is on doing activities that are only for myself. And if I only care about myself, I’m selfish, right? Well, I discovered several aspects of this question in myself.
One
It is clear that I am not only concerned with myself, even though I have put the focus on myself. My family, friends, work and many other things share me and my energy, and I pay attention to them too.
But when I look at the fact that I have shared myself with everyone for 49 years, then – I feel – I should not feel selfish at all even if I no longer concern myself with anyone else in my life. But the very fact that this is not the case, and according to my plans, it will not be. I give of myself, I receive from others, it is simply that now the self has become more prominent. Finally!
Two
I mentioned Ian Soltész and his book Superpersonality in my article “My thoughts in the mirror”. I will write a poste titled Superpersonality that will present my connection to the aforementioned book.
Until this article is written, let me highlight this from the book that I read a lot of my own thoughts in it. And in a way that is clear to me, so that when I read a good thought in this book, I can show a related post on my blog that contains exactly the same train of thought. This parallelism is only slightly important. But it is important to me. Because it is about the fact that I gain confirmation of my own thoughts in the book. (There is at least one person who thinks similarly to me.) And these thoughts are not born from the book. Anyway, it would not matter who said it first, Ian or me, because it is certainly a lot, but it is not a competition. I enjoy the parallelism between the book, Ian, and myself, reading my thoughts in the book as I go along.
This article was the first time I read a related thought in Ian’s book before writing my own here. I had been working on this very post for the past few days when I read the following in Superpersonality:
There is a healthy selfishness. A person who is emotionally charged can give a huge supportive value to the world. I will not further expand the congregation of emotional beggars!
Yesterday I was in therapy with a woman with a magical personality. When she got to know me, she gave me a huge compliment. She said that even though it was clear that I had to leave this country, she still regretted it a little. Because this country really needs people like me.
Let me be brutally honest! On the one hand, what I liked was not the content of what I heard, but the fact that she recognized this in me after a few hours of conversation. On the other hand, I know this. And that is exactly why I am leaving this country. A few years ago, I withdrew from even following politics. When my dad asked me how I could do this as a responsible person, I knew the answer. I told him that I was tired of everyone just complaining instead of someone finally taking action. And I can’t do anything alone. Then I told him that if I ever saw that there were others around me who wanted to do something, not just bark, then I would take care of the world again. No one has called me since then…
Back to Ian and the therapy leader: I found the focus on myself by reflecting on the world around me. I see, I feel how the power within me affects others. I hear when I am no longer the first person in my environment to express how different I am from, say, December.
So I think that if I am okay – and the price of this now is the focus on myself – then anyone who wants it and is close to me can get from this “I am okay” energy.
I have had this feeling before, but not from the sunny side. Seven years before the end of my marriage, there was a rehearsal of what divorce really means. Then I think I experienced a lot of things that I don’t normally experience, from depression to insomnia to apathy. When the premiere of “How to Ruin Everything” came a few years later, I started down almost the same path that I had a few years before. But, I was able to warn myself that if I slipped into depression again, I probably wouldn’t get up again. And then I told myself that you have to be okay. Because if you’re not okay, your children won’t be okay either.
So, somehow, instinctively, I felt that I needed some kind of strength in me, if for no other reason, to be able to function as a father. And that other people were counting on me.
Now that I write all this, I think I would have been really selfish if I had let myself slide into depression then…
Three
I was talking to my sister today. And when I mentioned this article to her, she said that I should dare to use the word selfish because it doesn’t necessarily mean bad. I should dare to finally be selfish and finally deal with my own life.
You’re right! Part of my courage is that I can be selfish and sometimes do things in my own life that only deal with me and don’t focus on anyone else. I love you, sister, thank you!
Vive la liberté!