Summary
How many more homes do I have to lose before I finally find one?
My home? I am 49 years old. I may have mentioned earlier that I have lived in 21 places in my life. I finished primary school in 3 places in the country, in three completely different parts of the country, I could say that I have lived vertically throughout the country. I finished the first and second grades near the southern border, the period from third to sixth in the middle, the seventh and eighth grades near the northern border.
I can say that since 1990 I have lived in a relatively small area, because these 34 years I have lived within about 50 square kilometers. The distribution of the individual settlements -in years – is Bábolna 3+3, Komárom 4+5, Nagyigmánd 12, Győr 7. I was surprised by this too, because when people ask me where I belong, in the midst of great deliberations, Bábolna always came to mind, since we have been present there for the longest time. But after counting, it turned out that I lived there the least of the four settlements. Two-thirds of my moves occurred in these 34 years, meaning I moved 7 times in the previous years as well.
Previously, I always thought of these relocations as an advantage, because I had the thought that these changes strengthened my ability to adapt, social sensitivity, etc. Today, I don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg. One of the basic ideas behind my decision about my new life was that none of the four settlements listed attracts me enough to make me want to return to any of them. So, in the loosest sense of the word, I don’t have a home to which I long to return.
However, I also established that I am not rootless. This is what my post “My Roots” was about.
There is, of course, my family, there is my own apartment, but these are in a different category. When I was last in my apartment – which I lost the feeling of home for ever last summer – a very deep peace settled in. My older daughter showed me how beautifully she and her partner had decorated the apartment for Christmas. As soon as I entered my apartment, I immediately felt that this was still a beautiful home. But it was no longer mine… And it was a very beautiful feeling at the time!
I managed to find the home that I had been longing for my whole life. Then, when my ex-wife left our family, I no longer had the opportunity to keep this home. In fact, years later, last year, I told my ex-partner that I had been longing for a home for the past few years, without even knowing it. It became clear to me then that I treated family and home as one concept within myself, which is why I couldn’t really consciously define these concepts, even to myself. For years, the two of us lived together with our older daughter, separately from the mother and the sister. I am grateful to fate that my life turned out in such a way after the divorce that I didn’t have to live my life as a father living separately from his children. It was just hard enough to say goodbye to one of them in terms of everyday life… I think there is no reason to be sad afterwards. The three of us made the best of this situation. We still love and appreciate each other today, and at the end of the day, I think that’s all that matters. I am proud of my daughters, I love who they have become, and it is an immeasurable joy for me that they have remained very lovable people, the way they were born.
And yes, I had a home after the divorce, because my eldest daughter and I lived in the same home. I have no doubt that it was in peace and love. Fortunately, my younger daughter has shared this many times over the past few years. However, despite everything being perfect around me, the feeling of missing was still there. By the time I dared to allow myself to express that something was missing, it was too late. By the time I realized that I needed an adult companion in my concept of home, I had already taken the realization further alone. Last year, I asked my ex-partner the desperate question: How many more homes do I have to lose to finally find one?
I have been carrying the weight of this question with me since last year, when a few weeks ago I found two simple sentences in Ian Soltész’s book: Superpersonality:
Home resides in the mind. And not everyone desires that through their mind their mind evolves and purifies into a wonderful, sweet and heavenly home.
This sentence hit me like a bolt of lightning. In an instant, it synthesized the thoughts I had been gnawing, spinning, and scrolling through in recent years. Why did I feel good alone for years with a partner, by my side, with whom I didn’t live together? Why did I want to live with him after my walls about commitment had collapsed? Why did I miss my family after the divorce? Why did I calm down that I had a family without a wife? Why did I say that I definitely felt that I could be happy alone? Why did I say that I would rather be happy with you? Why do I have and not have a family at the same time? Why did I want to live with someone when I was afraid of it? Why did I want to live with someone when he was afraid of it and I wasn’t anymore? Why does it make me happy to have my children with me? Why did I need someone by my side?
I realized that things had been swirling around in me so much in recent years because it wasn’t things that were swirling, but me. I was looking for focus. I was at a loss. I tried. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t feel my direction. I wasn’t close to myself.
Home resides in consciousness. This sentence made me understand that I only need to look within myself. My home is truly there. It doesn’t matter where I live. It doesn’t matter who lies next to me. If I am at home within myself, I am happy. The place where I live will find me. Whoever wakes up next to me with joy will find me as well. The rest doesn’t matter. Because I am already home…