This article is also one of those topics that are worth reading before you leave. It’s a kind of choose-your-own-topic development. As I approach the end of my time in Hungary (59 days left), I find it interesting to write summaries. Decide for yourself what you need in the “last hours” topic! I have my own answers to the thoughts I raised here, I’ll show them. This shows how much the thoughts that appear in my brainstorming session apply to me.
What’s so interesting about this post is that when I started writing, there were 59 days left. Today, there are only 43. A lot has happened in the time that has passed.
Last things – what else do I want to do at home!?
I have thought about saying goodbye in several of my articles, the most memorable for me are the posts titled “Butterfly or phoenix – a look back I.” and “The art of saying goodbye” I have a strong feeling that no one died, and that it is just a spatial displacement in the life of an ordinary person. So, there is no need to make a big deal out of the fact that I will fly away on August 22.
Still, I am receiving more and more messages like this one yesterday, which a friend of mine, who is also my teacher, sent me: “I really hope your life goes well!” My boss asked me last week whether I should or would have a goodbye at work. No, there won’t be. These messages show that goodbye is a two-fold thing. Maybe I won’t, I don’t want to say goodbye, but others want to say goodbye to me. We’ll see what tomorrow brings…
Ceremonial release – letters, farewells, photos, favorite places
Why is it important that I not only organize my trip and pack, but also live out my last weeks at home? Is it important at all? For me, I think it’s not important. I wrote these lines in a post titled “About my fears – Simon Sinek”:
Not so long ago, I said in a group that if I knew that I had 3 months left from today, I would not want to do anything differently in those 3 months than I have been doing so far. I would not immediately set off on a trip around the world, I would not pay for space travel (well, maybe). I would live the same as I have been doing so far. Then – since my boss was there – I added a sentence to this, turning to him: Well, I would not go to work in those three months.
I think – if I’m lucky – this part of my thinking will not change. I say this because I constantly have the feeling that I have a good life, that I don’t have to regret anything. If I don’t regret anything that happened or didn’t happen, then I don’t have to be afraid that something was left out. In other words, I know how to live my life according to the sentences above: when the end comes, there is no need to change anything. This is the reason why I hope that nothing will change this thinking. Because then the pain of loss would already be present, the series of things that were left out and suddenly have to be replaced.
The end of many thoughts is that if there is nothing to change in my life, then there is no need to ceremonially leave the stage. At least that is how it is written in me. Now. Maybe I wanted to at another time, and maybe I will need to say goodbye somewhere else.
I hope I have it in me to live my moments here, or anywhere else. I have improved in this in recent months, but I actually recognized this years ago and I am constantly working on myself. So there are no last weeks for me, no special moments to experience. I live and move forward. My mother has asked me many times on my birthday, “How does it feel?” I always told her that it was nothing special, it was like yesterday. How interesting that the description of these lines made me realize that my mother always asked me this way, literally “How does it feel?” But, the sentence never had a subject? If I transform the sentence to “How do you feel on your birthday?” then I can determine that I answered this question with “Nothing special.” On the other hand, if I transform the question to “How does it feel to exist on your birthday?” then I answered that it was like yesterday.
How does it feel to be home now, knowing that this will be “the last time” for a while? For the reasons above, this is not an exciting question for me. Its significance is almost nothing to me. Home is a special topic for me, as I wrote in my posts “My Roots” and “Home, Sweet Home”. Leaving my relationships at home is much more exciting. But with the help of digital communication, this leaving here is much less painful than if I really had to leave everyone here without being able to nurture and keep the relationship alive. The fact that I will not be here for a while also means that I will be somewhere else. Hopefully in different, exciting, beautiful places.
The goal is not closure, but a dignified farewell. Today, for example, “My friend, Pista” was here with me. When he left home, he said that he was a little disappointed that “I bought my plane ticket.” He hoped that there would be something that would still last here. Before he got into his car, he said he wouldn’t say goodbye. Because he doesn’t know if we’ll see each other again before I leave, but he’s sure we’ll see each other again. I think that’s the point… He thinks similarly to me: there’s no need for a big goodbye, we’ll see each other again.
List of recent things
I thought about what last things could happen, even to me. I also asked for the help of AI – Several things came up, so I tried to group the possible actions. And then answer the questions raised in a bit of an interview style.
Connection
- One last long conversation with your best friend – in person, not on chat
- A family dinner at your usual place
- A last walk down your favorite street in your hometown
I talk to someone every day. Today, for example, five people only called me in the afternoon and evening. My friend was here to give me an experience report. Or to have a good conversation. For each other’s company. I went to another friend’s. For the reasons above. When I got home, a new friend called me, whom I knew before the Nomad Cruise, back in Marseille. We chatted for half an hour. As soon as we finished, an old colleague of mine called me. Then another friend, very late. Almost every day is like this for me, especially lately. I don’t have a best friend. I have best friends, and very good friends. I will never know which of them will be the last conversation I have while I’m still living in this country. And I don’t need to know that.
The same is true with family dinners and lunches. One of them will be the last in my life at home. Maybe it’s different in one respect that if I know which one it will be, I will give it my full attention – because I know it’s the last time it happens. But a much simpler solution would be to give each of them my full attention.
I certainly won’t force the last walk. It seems too sentimental to me. I’m a sentimental person, but I’ve been paying attention to other areas of life for a long time.
Places
- A visit to your favorite café, bench, bookstore
- A night walk in the city – just for yourself
- Going up to the place where you decided to leave
These questions are not important to me. I feel like I don’t have any favorite places. There are nice places in my life, but they are nice because they are connected to someone’s memory, so I usually remember not the place, but the moment I spent there with someone. Of course, that someone could be me! Obviously, there are quite a few places where I was alone, and I connect to myself in those places.
I usually walk, without any intention, just for the joy of walking. I won’t walk because of saying goodbye.
I made my decision at the table where I am still sitting. At least in terms of appearances. If I want to be more honest with myself, the decision was made inside, and I am usually present there.
So I won’t be spending my last hours in a place. What would you do in this situation?
Ceremonies
- Planting a plant (or giving it to someone)
- Writing a letter to your “old self”
- Making a photo album – not for the internet, but for yourself
I have had rituals in my life. I mentioned this on this blog in my post “The decision” that “There were a few trees on my property, I planted them all. I said goodbye to each one with a word and a touch.” It was an instinctive ritual back then. I’ve been to funerals. Birthdays. Churches. Weddings. I’ve been to school graduations. I usually loved these rituals.
Now I feel like I don’t need anything like that. I haven’t been to my own apartment in months. If I’m going to go again, it will be for a reason other than saying goodbye.
Writing a letter to your old self is an interesting idea. In the post “On the way to my subconscious,” I wrote about “Rapid Transformational Therapy.” There I met my child self. I will think about writing a letter to my former self. However, since I think about my former actions and stories in a self-identical and peaceful way, and have already forgiven myself for being angry with my former self, I do not feel that this message is important on my own path. However, I will really think about it, and if I find even one reason why it could be interesting to me, I will do it.
What is not spectacular, but still important
- Packing up old diaries, objects – and deciding what you take “in your soul”
- Shared silence with someone you don’t even need to talk to
In my apartment – which I don’t consider my own apartment anymore – everything is as it was when I left it last summer. My daughter is waiting to unpack my things. Obviously, it will happen at the right moment. Where I live now, I don’t have many objects. I don’t really have anything to pack. I think this is one of the cornerstones of this new life, by the way.
Shared silence, and silence in general…
I find it quite difficult, and anyone who knows me knows this for sure. There are situations when this is necessary, so of course I try harder. Anyway, I can speak for hours.
We have already been silent with the person we had to be silent with. There are moments in my life – especially in the last few weeks – when I can’t find the words at a given moment. But then it’s exactly right!
What I don’t want to regret missing
- Expressing love – even if it’s just in the form of a hug
- Thanking those who helped me get this far
- Say: “You matter to me” – where you’ve been putting it off
I don’t associate these thoughts with the fact that I’m going on a trip now. On the hike I described in my article “More important feedback,” my boyfriend and I talked tangentially and in very few words about the fact that this was our last hike together for who knows how long. We both knew and felt it, and when the feeling of this fact appeared between us, we both knew that it was there now. Yet we didn’t have to talk about it, precisely because the feeling was there.
I hope I’m like that with others. What needed to be said and when it needed to be said, has already been said – even several times. I am not a stranger to expressing gratitude, and – perhaps we all feel it, I avoid this topic so often – I don’t need to dress it up in pathos (anymore). I haven’t been a procrastinator in this area for a while now.
So these points are not important to me. But if I have missed something, so be it:
Dear everyone in my circle! I love you and you are important to me and I know that you love me and I am important to you! I am grateful to you for being a part of my life!
An interesting closing thought
I keep a quote from somewhere. I don’t know who said it, or whether it’s a real quote or someone just wrote it. For me, it becomes a quote, by an unknown author.
Farewell doesn’t mean that it won’t be there anymore. It means that I’m giving it my full attention now – because I know it’s happening for the last time.
I can agree with that. I’ve been avoiding this question all along. Everything that surrounds you is there. There’s no danger that it won’t be there anymore. Distances, shapes, frequencies, amplitudes, etc. change, but everything will be, or can still be.
I’ll keep my attention on things from now on.