This article is related to the previous post titled “The art of saying goodbye”, where I indicated that I would continue with this topic. From the first moments of preparing for a new life, I have had the idea that physical distance does not mean losing my connections. If I thought that connections would end when I lived on the other side of the Earth, then I would not live on the other side of the Earth. I think it is as simple as that. Along this thought, I thought about what maintaining contact would mean in the coming period.
I won’t say goodbye, I’ll just be there differently.
I think I have emphasized countless times on this blog that I have very valuable relationships that are of fundamental importance in my life. I could also say that they are part of my world. Or, which sounds much more professional, they are the defining elements of my self-image.
I think this is no coincidence. The basic characteristics of my personality are friendly coexistence with others, empathy and strong extroversion. I strengthen this very strong foundation by devoting serious energy throughout my life to nurturing my relationships. I seek out, visit, call my friends, I am available to them almost at any time, and perhaps most importantly, I am generally attentive. I have long since come to terms with the fact that I get much less in return from some people than I put into a given relationship. This does not really matter to me, because we are not talking about a business opportunity. However, if someone tips the scales in an extreme way, I will not keep them in my relationships!
The essential element of my thoughts above was the expression “to be attentively present”. I think this means using the heart and mind in a family or friendship relationship. Visuality is also important – as a communication element – so it is good to see, and in some cases feel, the other person. But – in my opinion – distance is not important. If I want to pay attention to the other, I do not think that it is absolutely necessary to stand half a meter apart. How many relationships can be observed where the given parties are next to each other, yet far from each other…
I now dare to think that by being present in my relationships differently, no qualitative change will occur. I will pay attention to the other in the same way that they will have the opportunity to pay attention to me. I will give them the opportunity to pay attention to each other in the same way. I expect the other party to seek me out in the same way, and that is why I will let go of the relationship in the same way as before, if the scales tip.
The importance of time
Here I will allow myself a small insight into an important aspect of relationships, time. My sad experience is that many people voluntarily put themselves behind bars. For some reason, in the past few weeks, I have thought about the phenomenon that is causing me to look out now several times, and I have talked about it quite a few times in the past few days.
It is about the “right time” phenomenon. I have a friend who I recently called at the beginning of a given week after a two-year hiatus. His answer was something like this: “We can talk next week, I have a pretty busy week!” There is another who knew on Monday that he would not have time to talk that week. There are also those who use the “we can talk tomorrow” option regularly.
We all have a lot of programs and things to do. Those who know me better know that I am usually scheduled for weeks in advance. I run a household, go shopping, work, I have a thousand other things to do. Sometimes I am not available at that particular moment. I attend meetings, go to the gym, go hiking, relax, etc. But I can hardly imagine not being able to call someone back for 5 minutes on a given day. And especially not being in a “I can’t do it today, I’ll call you the day after tomorrow” situation.
People! What’s happening to us? Has everyone really become so busy that we can’t talk to each other for a few minutes? One of my friends and I have been spending an afternoon together every week for years. We usually walk and talk, but we often go archery, work out together, go to the sauna or do something completely different. We are talking about two extremely busy people, but we still found a way to make time for each other. I have a friend who has been calling me for years with regular 30-60 minute phone calls. Often at unexpected times. Yet I still have time for this form of communication. If someone calls me at a bad moment, I can offer them to continue the conversation that same day – even late at night. Or maybe we can start together the next day. I don’t want to judge other people’s busy schedules. I just thought that we are headed in the wrong direction if we don’t spend enough time nurturing our relationships.
For my part, I am sure that my good relationships are also due to the fact that I spend a lot of time and energy nurturing them.
Forms of contact
I currently keep in touch with others in several ways. There are some people I rarely talk to, but for longer periods. There are some people I meet regularly. I have many contacts with whom we run into each other from time to time and continue our conversations where we left off the previous time. There are some people I communicate with almost exclusively in writing. There are some people I call more often with a short call. I visit my parents regularly. When I lived in Győr, I also went to the hairdresser in Bábolna. Just so that I could go to them during my biweekly hairdresser visit. There are some people I keep in touch with via Messenger messages.
I currently use many forms of contact, and not everyone has physical contact. My conclusion for the future is that for some people, the form of communication will really not change even if I move further away in the world.
It makes sense that there will be quite a few relationships on the other side, the nature of which will fundamentally change. But based on the summary so far, I think that the current workable form of relationship will transform into a relationship state that has been proven to work elsewhere. The key to the solution – in my opinion – is adaptation.
Communication tools – technical side
A brief reflection on what they are for in practice:
- WhatsApp, Messenger: daily “good morning” messages, or sending quick pictures
- Zoom, Google Meet, Teams: deeper, planned conversations
- Email or voice message: longer thoughts, less often
- Blog, photo sharing: something like what you are reading now.
All of these forms are familiar to me, I can now say that I do not have a favorite form of them, I use all of them, based on the goals that suit me. In the future, there will probably be combined forms that I have not used before.
My friend mentioned earlier and I have been talking from the very first moment about continuing our usual weekly walk together by speaking with the help of a microphone and headphones during the conversation. Ko Samui is in a 5-hour time zone, which means that if we want to continue our walks together around 4 pm (Budapest time), then I will walk at 9 pm, say until 11 pm, while my friend will walk until 6 pm. I think it’s not impossible. But he will be able to adapt too.
Moreover, this very friend and I have experienced a few times in recent years that one of us is sick, or the weather is bad and we couldn’t meet. That’s why we have done it quite a few times, sitting in front of the computer – Sometimes we just talked. Sometimes we played cards and talked while we were there, and each of us had a beer in our hands. And it has also happened that we played board games on these semi-virtual occasions.
When?
I have no plans for this. And I feel like there is no need to plan. I will continue to nurture my relationships, as I have been doing so far. I expect the other side to nurture them as well. Let’s find each other. Any of my friends will be able to learn that if they call me at 7 pm, I may not answer, because it’s midnight and I’m sleeping. Just as I will learn that if I call my friend at 8 am, he won’t answer, because at 3 am he is still sleeping.
Months ago, my parents and I looked at how to schedule a Google Meet appointment in the calendar for a joint chat and how to use the microphone during the conversation. We will repeat it again.
New forms of connection – creative ideas
I did a little research on the topic and got quite a few ideas on what else can be invented in search of new forms of communication:
- Joint online games, watching movies (Netflix Party), cooking together via video
- Sending a postcard or surprise package (by mail or digitally)
- Sharing a “nomadic newsletter” only to your loved ones (1 email per month)
I’ve seen the first one with my daughters several times. It doesn’t seem bad, I haven’t tried it yet, but it could be exciting. You take a pack of chips with you, and I do the same, and we press the Netflix play button at the same time while we are online. A nomadic newsletter for the family is not a bad idea, we’ll see if I have the time, energy, and need for it besides the blog. It would be nice to avoid the situation in life where I post a blog post saying “I’m drinking coconut juice under a palm tree, everything is great” and then call someone sobbing and saying “this whole thing sucks.” So, if all goes well, everyone – who wants to – can know where and how I am.
Without further ado, I’ll share the forms suggested by my AI friend. If you feel like trying one of them with me, just let me know. If I have time today – and not next week – we’ll discuss the details.
- More personal digital connections
- Send an audio diary: Sometimes you can tell about your experiences in the form of an audio message, which the other party can listen to at any time. (Like a mini-podcast just for
- them.)
- Shared digital diary (e.g. Google Docs): A shared diary where you both can write thoughts, feelings, experiences – sometimes even drawings or photos.
- Shared online map with experiences: You share a map on which you place photos, experiences, small stories with the locations. They can also add their own memories or
- questions.
- Creative or playful ideas
- Online co-creation: Drawing together (e.g. Aggie.io), writing music together (Soundtrap), or even writing poetry taking turns.
- Shared book club, just the two of you: You read something together and share your thoughts about it from time to time.
- Digital treasure hunt: You create an online “treasure hunt” (e.g. based on Google Slides/Docs, with QR codes, links) that the other person has to solve.
- Caring gestures from a distance
- Timed future messages: You can write emails or letters in advance that you will receive at a specific time (e.g. FutureMe.org).
- “Nomad recipe exchange”: Every month you send each other a recipe that you will try, perhaps on a “taste of the country” theme.
- Virtual hug package: You put together a “digital hug” – images, quotes, music, which you send in a link (e.g. Canva, Notion, Padlet).
- Easier, spontaneous connections
- Send 1 photo a day: Of anything – your breakfast that day, a view, your face, an interesting street sign. Small things, but with a powerful impact.
- “Today reminded me of you…” series: You send something (photo, sound, thought) that reminded you of someone that day.
- Shared playlist: A Spotify playlist that you create together. It can also be by mood: “when I miss you”, “travel”, “Sunday morning”.
With the help of AI, I was able to present these ideas in a table format:
When will we meet?
An important question is when will we meet my family and friends.
First of all, there is the possibility that I will return to Hungary from time to time. I can say that I will return home, although this is a slightly euphemistic expression, because home, as I wrote earlier, is inside me. Although, when I come, I will bring what is inside me with me. I do not know yet how often and from where I will come home, this must be left to fate. I will come, I will be here for a while and then I will move on. Obviously, this is when I will have time to meet friends.
Many of my friends have already said that they will come and visit anywhere. I am happy to see everyone! Wherever I have a place to stay, any of my friends will have a place to stay there. Wherever I am, I will be happy to share what I have with you!
There are two exceptional people. I hope that I will have the opportunity to buy a plane ticket for my daughters so that we can spend some time together in some beautiful place in the world.
We’ll see about the rest!
What changes?
- Distance (incraseing)
- Time zone (initially +5 hours)
- Physical contact (ceases)
Okay, the third one is the real pain point. There will be no hugs. No kisses. No handshakes and fist bumps. We won’t smell each other’s hair and great perfumes. That’s a real pain point.
But, we can look each other in the eye. We can hear each other’s voice. We can laugh and cry together, just like we used to. We can argue, hurt each other, make up. We can eat together. Maybe we’ll even be able to go fishing with a camera and a monitor.
I’ve decided to pay this price for my relationship. I hope you’re with me!