90. | The art of saying goodbye

I keep thinking more and more that I will have to say goodbye soon. The countdown is at 87 days, which means that the planned departure date is this far away. Sometimes the question of how I will prepare myself to leave my family and friends for a long time looms on the horizon of my new life.

I have been thinking about home in a slightly different way lately than before. I have written several times about the connection between the concept of home and me. The point is that I have already realized that home resides in the mind, see my post “Home, sweet home”. Regardless, my physical home is now in Bábolna, with my younger brother, to whom and his family I am extremely grateful for this. It is a different matter that a week ago two dogs that are considered family members appeared in the yard, one of whom is on good terms with everyone after many encounters over the past years. Except for me. So now I have become a stranger in my home to a dog that barks at me constantly. This has never happened to me before! I think that by the time this dog becomes friendly with me, exactly 87 days will have passed.

Family and friends are different things, it is much easier to interpret relationships because there is no such definitional dance as in the case of home. Family and friends are much easier for me to interpret than home. After all, family is family.

Goodbyes are not the end

If I think about it, something will end soon. After all, I am leaving my life here. If I think about it this way, then something will begin now, because I am starting a new life now. If I look at it from a different perspective, nothing changes. I simply continue living my life. The journey continues. Therefore, I think that if I look at what I am moving towards from one side, there is no need to say goodbye. If I look at it from another, then there is.

The way we communicate will actually change. It is no coincidence that my next post will be about this. I want to continue to nurture the relationships that I still have today. So why would there be a need for big goodbyes?

My memories of saying goodbye

As I thought about this article, three memories of goodbyes came to mind. The easier ones were the endings of my two serious relationships. The first time there was no goodbye, no handshake, the tsunami of shit just started to rage. The second time there was an insincere picture framing smear that was told as a goodbye. The lack of a goodbye is also a kind of farewell. I understood better from it that these relationships were destined for the trash heap.

What is a really interesting memory is my goodbye to my grandfather. Actually, in 1994 I wrote him what I am about to write now. Some things seem to not change in me. How surprising! (That was ironic!)

I lived with my grandparents when I was in high school. The three of us lived there, then the last two years, two of us. After a while, my grandfather and I lived in the house together. Then I returned to my parents’ house for college. I didn’t want to say an emotional goodbye to my grandfather when the day came for me to move. I packed up and left the house. Dad asked if we were going to wait for the old man, but I didn’t want to. I wrote him a letter. If I remember correctly, the gist of it was that I didn’t think anything would change, I’d just be living somewhere else from now on. That’s why I didn’t want to say goodbye, because I didn’t have any radical changes in mind.

Preparing for goodbye

There are times when we need to say goodbye. When we know we won’t see each other again. Then maybe it makes sense. But it’s probably rare to have a moment in a relationship when I know “this something was the last”… The last hug, the last kiss, the last goodbye, the last tour… If I were to visit someone on their deathbed, I would definitely think about “the last” differently. How many of these last ones have I already had… How many more are waiting for me? Life can be excitingly bitter sometimes. Maybe that’s why it would be important to have something every day that we would only do on the last day if we knew it was the last. I like the expression “as if there was never a tomorrow.” For example, I like to laugh. Even on a difficult day. Who knows if I’ll still be able to laugh tomorrow.

The point is that if a foreseeable “last” is approaching, it’s worth preparing for goodbye. You throw a party, give a speech, relive the moments you shared, etc. I think that now my life is simply moving on, I don’t see any definitive closure in any of my relationships. That’s why I think there’s no need for a farewell dinner, a farewell party. There’s no need for fireworks. I’m not going to war on the other side of the world, from where who knows if I’ll ever come home.

The goodbyes that await me in this situation are more a passing part than the end of something. I’m staying here with many people in some form.

What do I have to say goodbye to?

People, this has been the focus of the writing so far. Places, spaces. Habits, routines. I have already written about my thinking about places, among others in my article “The Decision”. Since then, my thinking about places has not changed. I love the places of this country. Today, I have countless memories, from almost every part of the country. In many places, memories are connected to several people. I was here with her. We ate there then, we walked here together. I have a very good memory for places, so memories almost immediately appeal to me. There are many such places. Roads. Cities. Forests. Recently, I thought that perhaps a completely foreign world would be better. A clean slate. Tabula rasa. Silence in my head and soul.

Regardless, I think there is no place I need to say goodbye to. I am simply leaving a lot of space here now. I have never said goodbye to anything I have ever said goodbye to. The only exception I remember was our family home. I said goodbye there because I thought we would never see each other again. I wrote about this earlier in the post “I live a minimalist life”.

I won’t say goodbye to habits or routines. Others will replace the ones I’m leaving. I won’t go to work. Instead, I’ll sit at a table at home. Or, based on the favorite photography theme of digital nomads, I’ll take my laptop to the beach and, besides working, I’ll pray all day that sand, seawater, and the sun don’t get into it. I eat a bit unhealthily here. I’ll do it differently there. I’ll drive a car at home, where I’ll practice more. I’ve already said goodbye to my car. It’s interesting, it’s obvious that we won’t see each other again after the sale, so this action was appropriate.

I don’t feel like I have to say goodbye to anyone. I have only one badly ended relationship that I thought about saying goodbye to. But, since she didn’t say goodbye to me, I’ll skip that one too.

Thank you to everyone who was, is, and will be in my life. You will be here even if I’m not around! And of course, we’ll keep in touch and meet up from time to time!