I am no exception.
I judge. And I do it quickly.
Even though I march under the banner of tolerance.
What could be the reason for this? I was thinking about this the other day.
Missing information
I don’t want to deal with the biological, biochemical or even psychological background of judgment now. On the one hand – although I have read a lot about these things – I am not an expert on the subject. On the other hand, it is much more exciting for me that I have an idea on the subject.
My experience is that I judge people very quickly, in a matter of seconds. There are three possible directions: positive, negative and neutral. Consciously paying attention to my behavior and – as much as possible – to my responses, most people start in the neutral zone with me, few reach the positive and even fewer in the negative range.
But from the point of view of judgment, it doesn’t matter where another person ends up. A negative judgment made early is just as bad as a positive one caught early. One excludes you, the other lets you in early.
I still judge.
I started to think about why.
I don’t know the reason yet. Maybe I won’t figure it out. I feel like it has something to do with the fact that it helps “place people on the track.”
I found one thought that might explain the direction of the judgment. Incomplete information, or more precisely, insufficient information, certainly plays a role in the decision.
First impression
I thought about this with a security guard. He wasn’t nice. He immediately went to the “negative” side, and I thought about it.
Why wasn’t he nice to me? I’m not sure he’s necessarily a “bad” person. He could be an incredibly good person, a strong support for his family, an excellent father and a great husband. The neighbors can always count on him. He just wasn’t having a good day today. To be able to make a real judgment about him, maybe I should get to know him better? What would I think of him if I really knew him? Let’s say a week ago. Or a year ago. Or if we had grown up together?
Maybe something in his mood this morning affected his behavior, which showed in his behavior today. Or maybe he was just tired at work. Could it be that the many people who aren’t nice to him are the reason?
I often type. I can think of a few types of people in relation to him. There are those who are capable of kindness and who behave nicely most of the time. Some people can do it, but often have difficulty expressing their feelings. And I can also imagine that someone is simply incapable of being kind. But they can still be a “good” person.
I only know this when I have known the person for a while. Going back to my first thoughts: He is not behaving kindly, there is a judgment, he is not the “best person”. On the other hand: he is very kind, you can spread it on bread, he is cute. What else could the judgment be than “a good person”? Meanwhile, he may be beating his family, or he may be a serial killer.
China
There was another defining experience during my trip that helped me realize this.
The Chinese people and the few days I spent in China.
Most Chinese people didn’t seem very nice to me. More precisely, I felt that they weren’t very nice to me.
But they very quickly showed me that this was probably just a cultural difference, and maybe it wasn’t meant for me. They opened up very quickly and then became incredibly nice. It just took a little kindness or directness for everything to change in an instant. Suddenly, there were nice, helpful, smiling people standing in front of me.
This reinforced the fact that judgment is not good for me. I go there, they’re not nice, I’m not nice either, and we’ll stay like this forever. And I carry my judgment on an entire group of people. The living and lovable version: someone is not nice to me. I insist on being nice. I give them the opportunity to open up too. We say goodbye with a smile.
I don’t care which solution is the right one.
I’m keeping the realization
In connection with these thoughts, I tried to put aside the realization that I really want to be less judgmental. First impressions are certainly a good basis, but they are not omnipotent. It is worth paying attention to it, but I want to remind myself that judgment is premature and may not be good at all.
The best decision for me is not to make judgments about anyone.
A simple statement about the security guard in the story would be enough. He was not nice to me. That’s it. No more. I know nothing about that person.
In fact, there is only one person in the world whose thoughts, actions and information about his character and behavior I know. That’s me.
I’m still thinking about whether once I am able to judge myself objectively, I will be entitled to judge others.
The answer, I think, when I reach this impossible situation will be: no.
Buy me a coffee?
If you enjoyed this story, you can buy me a coffee. You don’t have to – but it means a lot and I always turn it into a new adventure.
Buy a coffee for Steve
Linktree
Short introduction